It's not getting what you want, it's knowing what you want.

I kinda feel like an arrogant bitch saying this, but I’ve gotten everything I’ve ever wanted! The thing is, so have you probably. We always get what we want, or what we think we want, or what we feel we deserve. The law of attraction says that we get what we think. But that’s tricky, because most of us think we want something, and the law of attraction says that all you are attracting is more want. So you are manifesting lack and you didn’t even know it. Lots of great spiritual teachers tell us that we need to act as if what we want has already been given to us and we must ‘act as if’ to create the feeling of fulfillment and therefore trick the law of attraction into thinking we already have everything we need, then the universe will manifest it for us. Sometimes these self help books just piss me off. It creates more feelings in me of lack and disappointment. Quite the opposite effect of what was intended. But the real issue is not getting what you want, it’s knowing what you want and feeling like you deserve it.

In looking back at my life, I had subconsciously created the life I thought I wanted. Not that I don’t want this life I created. I love my life. It’s just that I really have mastered the law of attraction and manifestation, and I’m a true believer that I am the architect of my own reality, but now that I have created health, wealth and security, now what? I don’t know what I want now? Perhaps this is the midlife crisis people talk about. You grow up, get an education, get a job, find love, have a baby or two, maybe buy some property, build your life up so you can relax later. I did that. Yay. I’m here…………….now what?

This must be what happens to the rich and famous when they achieve their goals and are still not happy. And what is happiness anyway? I realized that I was quite fulfilled as a person. I had everything I had ever dreamed of having. But was I happy? No. I was fulfilled but I was not happy because I did not feel free. Ok, so what does freedom look like, and does that bring you happiness? If you are standing by for an answer, I have none. Does money buy freedom? God I hope that’s not the only way to feel free, and happy, because we all have been told that money does not buy happiness. So even that’s not the answer. Happiness comes from within we are told. At least that's what my therapist told me after a year of therapy. I never went back after that day. Why go back? She gave me the answer. I could have saved myself a bunch of money had she just told me that earlier. No external element can bring true happiness. Even that’s vague; Happiness comes from within. Another thing that just pisses me off. So we are supposed to just ‘act as if’ and ‘fake it, till we make it’. Feel happy then happiness will follow, like the law of attraction. That is easier said than done. How does one just act happy and free. Isn’t it a feeling? Or is it a choice? You can’t wait to feel happy. I think you need to decide to just BE happy. So how can we BE happy? Once again, I'm afraid I have no concrete answers for us. I suppose I want the following things to be happy; health, security, love and laughter. Urg. So cliché. How do I get health, security love and laughter? You fake it? It’s hard to fake good health. It’s hard to fake security when you’re broke. And if something aint funny, I aint laughing.

I know as a society we put way too much pressure on ourselves to achieve and that achievement will bring us fulfillment and happiness. But that’s new to humankind. Humans just lived on this gorgeous planet for thousands of years and spent their days hunting and gathering to survive. I think we have way too much time of our hands now to think about higher aspirations, such as success. Success back then was eating a little something and not getting eaten in the middle of the night. Life was hard, but simple. Nobody had time to think about being happy. They did, however, probably have lots of gratitude when they woke up alive and their friends and family were alive too. To them, that was success. Today, for most of us, waking up alive doesn’t give us the same gratitude. However, I do believe practicing gratitude brings us one step closer to happiness. I still don’t know what I want, other than to be happy. I guess for now, I’ll be grateful for the food in my belly and my warm safe bed. Maybe that’s all I want after all. Maybe I need to learn to ‘act happy’ by feeling grateful for the simple things I do have. And, in each moment, try to find something beautiful to be grateful for and something funny to laugh at.