THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT THAT PERSON I DON’T LIKE ABOUT MYSELF

I didn’t have a great relationship with my dad. Or should I say, I didn’t like my dad very much. I loved him. But honesty I didn’t like many things about him. It aways reminds me of this saying that resonates with me; ‘There is something about that person I don’t like about myself’. My dad probably told me that. Now that he’s gone, I realize how much I’m just like him. Isn’t that always the case? When you try to be like the good parent, you struggle, but when you’re trying to not to be like the asshole parent, you find yourself slipping in that direction. My mother was a saint. Did I turn out like her? HA. I try. My dad was more of a narcissist. A very charismatic, talented, funny narcissist, but very a self-involved one, none-the-less. And I remind myself of him more and more each day. It scares me sometimes.

But there is a very, very, good trick for self-awareness and ultimately either self-acceptance or self-improvement. If you meet someone or know someone and there is something that bothers you about them, examine what it is very carefully then take an honest look at yourself.  It’s not that you’re an evil fuck like that person, but you may find yourself trying not to be an evil fuck your whole life. Or, for example, when I meet a loud, opinionated, nosy person, I cringe. And those of you who know me, know why. I’m a loud, opinionated, nosy person. And If I meet me, I tend not to like me. But you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. That’s a Dr Phil saying. So recognizing traits you’re not fond of, is the first step. I’ve tried hard to be there for my friends and family because really I just want to sit around and smoke pot and think about myself all day, like my dad. But I make myself be a better person. Self-awareness, if nothing else, can lead to self-acceptance if not self-improvement. I’ve accepted that I’m loud, opinionated, and nosy. And who cares if I’m not innately caring like my mother, I’m fucking trying not to be an asshole like my father. It's ok. It’s a process. And I’m trying. That’s all we can do. It’s a practice, this life thing. And there are a lot of people I don't like, and there are a lot of things I don't like about myself, but I try to not judge others too much because I'm really just judging myself.